Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize