I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It's shark week go big or go home
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
