Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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