I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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