He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
you traded sex for a burrito?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
