all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
