There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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