watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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