I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
