All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
