just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
