Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
