I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
