Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
