If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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