you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
