he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
