Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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