The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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