so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
