All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
