If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize