after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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