I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
