He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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