i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
