I heard we made out
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
i believe in u and ur pee
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
