When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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