I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
