You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
