I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
