I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
