so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
