So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm too high and old for this...
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