They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
