Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
