my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
There are leaves in my underwear?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
