So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I need a beard to bite.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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