Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
