I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
