4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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