some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Randomize