i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
