In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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