I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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