listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
