I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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