Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
