I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
