All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
