Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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