I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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