there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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