fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
