I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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