I think my vagina is haunted
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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