I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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