I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
