she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize