I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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