Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
